The most significant insight I’ve gained in 2023 might be the realization that “I am not good enough.”
For a long time, I thought I had the ability to handle whatever the challenge I faced.
Since I started working, my career path has been relatively smooth, climbing from a junior position to a senior export (~ Staff Eng) in five years. I led a team that grew from just me to 16 members by the time I left Shopee, finding my purpose in a leadership role. Departing from Shopee marked an unprecedented peak in my life.
After experiencing the crucible of Shopee and then witnessing the way things are done at LinkedIn, I came to believe that I could do anything I wanted; it all depended on whether I was willing to put in the effort. A phrase from an article stuck with me: “I can be good at whatever things that I put effort on.” As a newcomer at LinkedIn, I felt capable of achieving anything I set my mind to, as long as I dedicated enough time and effort. My career path seemed unchallenging and clear.
This led me to ponder, if I’m capable of achieving anything, what do I truly seek from my job? It’s often said that “Life before 30 is about proving one’s worth in society.” But what about life after 30? Beyond societal expectations, what do I aspire to achieve within the company?
Big Trap
As I started engaging with larger scope projects, I initially thought, based on my past experiences, that tackling these massive projects wouldn’t be difficult — it all came down to whether I was willing to put in the effort. However, this mindset turned out to be a significant trap. When things didn’t go as planned or when I found myself procrastinating, leading to worsening situations, I would convince myself that I simply lacked sufficient motivation for the project. If only my motivation were stronger, I believed I could push myself to be more proactive and improve the imperfections.
Naively, I thought I knew how to handle everything and that I could achieve any goal, as long as I was willing to commit. If I failed to reach a goal, it was merely because I subconsciously didn’t find it worthy of more effort. In the latter half of 2023, I embarked on a company-wide, immense scope project. Throughout the six months, I searched for the project’s meaning, trying to turn it into a positive or motivational success story. However, I repeatedly faced setbacks and couldn’t pinpoint where I was going wrong.
Writing this, I realize it might be difficult for others to fully comprehend the lesson I’ve learned. You might say, “I never believed I could do everything,” but neither did I. However, I had overestimated the idea that “even if I lacked the ability to do something, putting in time and effort would eventually lead to achieving the desired goal.”
Because first, the “willingness” to put in time and effort is a significant issue in itself. I believe the ability to “gain motivation” is part of one’s capabilities, which I might not possess. Second, it’s possible that my efforts could lead me astray, and I might not ultimately achieve the intended goal.
I Might Be Fundamentally Wrong
A trip to Nepal for hiking offered countless sleepless nights to ponder the project’s significance. Although I didn’t have an epiphany right away, I started contemplating the possibility that “this project might be inherently unorganizable.” Maybe it was impossible for the project to form a coherent story. If the solution to organizing this chaos was within reach, I should have found it by now.
Upon returning to Ireland, I met with my former boss from Shopee and discussed my work-related challenges. While he didn’t have the answers to my questions, our conversation led me to a realization: “I might be wrong.” (Yes, that’s a nod to the book by the Swedish monk.) It’s possible that I simply lacked the necessary capabilities. I might have thought I was equipped to handle the issues, but in essence, I was missing a crucial skill.
I kept searching for answers within my existing framework, but perhaps the real solution lay outside of it.
Previously, I believed that any failure was due to a lack of effort and that continuous hard work would eventually lead to success, despite current suffering. However, this insight made me understand that my efforts might have been misdirected. OMG! While optimizing what I perceived as deficiencies, I was blind to my actual shortcomings. This realization lifted a weight off my shoulders. I accepted my limitations and understood there was no need to pressure myself further. At this stage, I simply couldn’t tackle such problems.
This doesn’t mean I adopted a defeatist attitude; instead, knowing that my lack was outside the existing framework, I devoted more time to self-learning and exploration beyond it.
This was the primary motivation behind my decision to start coaching.
Acknowledging my limitations is not the end, it is just the starting point of growth.
Admittedly, it’s challenging to grasp the essence of issues and identify one’s true problems and weaknesses. Each insurmountable task may stem from various reasons. Even recognizing one’s lack of capability doesn’t necessarily provide the solution. This self-awareness is merely the beginning; meaningful change requires additional effort and dedication. For me, the missing puzzle piece in handling project issues was the realization in January 2024 that “my mentality also needed to grow” (as mentioned in yesterday’s post).
There are still many hurdles in life for which I don’t have the solutions. For example, failing to effectively mentor my mentee last year was a significant setback. After acknowledging my limitations, I decided to temporarily step back from this person, ceasing further efforts. I accepted that “I am currently unable to assist you.”
This is the article translated from my post on threads.net powered by ChatGPT:
